SIDS Death: How to Thrive in 3 Powerful Steps

by admin | Nov 22, 2018 | SIDS/NEAR-MISS SIDS

What does it mean to go from surviving a SIDS death to thriving in life?  How does a mother survive the death of her child, her precious baby?  How can any mother escape the horrific despair that comes from discovering her own child, healthy one moment, but dead the next?  One step at a time.

Brian was such a beautiful baby!  Yes, I’m his mom, so of course, I’m prejudiced.  But to me, he was just gorgeous-his soft, soft, skin, his tiny little fingers, and toes, his light red hair.  I was so very happy to have him in my life!

Then the unimaginable happened.  He fell asleep while I was breastfeeding him and minutes later he was dead.  I heard a sound that made me think he had spit up, just like all babies do.  Only when I looked I discovered what he had ‘spit up’ wasn’t milk but rather blood.  And he was not breathing.  Brian’s life was ended.  I was sure mine was, too.

Being told about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) gave my family and me no comfort at all.  How is it possible a baby can just die?  There has to be a reason!  My husband responded by withdrawing from his family, from life.  He refused to talk about Brian or to visit the cemetery.  I was just the opposite.  I couldn’t stop talking about him.  I went to the cemetery almost every day, carrying a baby blue carnation with me to lay on his tiny little grave.  I was the one to search in an attempt to find some answer as to why my son had died and why my time with my son had to be spent in a cemetery instead of a playroom. 

I believe I shed enough tears that first year to fill an ocean.  Every time I tried to sleep the tears would start flooding our bed.  I couldn’t get the horror of the sight of my son’s lifeless body out of my head.  I was positive that Brian’s death was somehow my fault, either by something I did, like maybe I ate the wrong thing and it poisoned my milk, or something I didn’t do, like maybe there really was something wrong and I didn’t pay close enough attention and that’s why he died.  But then there was the real reason I felt guilty for Brian’s death.  I knew I was a sinner.  I knew in the Old Testament, God punished sinners, sinners like David, by taking the life of their child.  I was positive God was a cruel god, showing His displeasure by killing children.

I had grown up with the religion of Christianity.  I knew all of the “Thou shalt not’s.”  I knew we are supposed to always do the right thing.  I also knew I had failed.  Many times I had failed.  Was Brian’s death my punishment for my wrongdoing, for my sins?

I grew up physically and sexually abused so had learned very early in life that my life wasn’t good enough, didn’t matter, and was only there for the benefit of others.  Abusers make sure their victims understand the abuse is the fault of the victim.  I had grown up with that, so the idea that Brian’s death was my fault came very naturally.  However, in the many years of working with families who have lost a child, from many different causes, I’ve learned that every mother feels her child’s death is somehow her fault.  It seems mothers are just wired that way.  

So how does a grieving mother ever get to the point that she feels life is worth living again?  It’s not an easy road to walk, but it can be done.  I’m proof of that.  I learned to enjoy every bit of life because I know only too well just how fragile life is.  I believe there are three things a mother has to do in order to survive the death of a child: first, talk; second, learn; and third, encounter Jesus.  Let me explain.

First, let’s look at “talk.”  Women need to talk about their thoughts and feelings.  Women are wired to talk, to share with others what is happening in their lives, to share how they are feeling and what they’re thinking.  That’s a good thing!  However, not every person is able or qualified to listen in a helpful way to everything that a grieving mother has to say.  So if you are a grieving mother right now, find someone you can really trust to share your deepest thoughts and feelings and fears with.  The vast majority of women find talking to another parent who has lost a child to be the most helpful of all.  For truly, only someone who has walked this walk can understand all of the nuances of this kind of grief.  Those who have never lost a child may mean very well but they don’t understand, they simply can’t understand any more than we did before it happened to us.  

With that in mind, I highly recommend you reach out to other parents.  You can locate these easiest by simply asking Google for “SIDS groups near me” or “Grief support groups for parents near me.”  There are many excellent organizations out there that offer opportunities for parents to meet other parents.  It’s a great way to see that others who have gone through such a tragedy really do survive and find hope in their lives again. 

When my baby died there was no SIDS group near me so I started the Iowa Guild for Infant Survival.  Although that group is no longer in existence, there are many others out there similar to it like the American Guild for Infant Survival: http://www.sids-supportguild.org/ and SIDS America: https://www.sidsamerica.org/.  Check these organizations out.  See what is in your own area.  Somehow, connect with other families who have lost a baby this way! 

I would be remiss if I failed to mention professional counseling here.  I went on to not only become a nurse but to earn a Master’s Degree in Psychiatric/Mental Health Nursing and worked for many years in the mental health field.  Knowledgeable counselors can be extremely helpful.  However, not all counselors are created equal.  If you feel a professional therapist might be helpful to you make sure that he or she has experience working with parents who have lost a child.  I have to be honest.  When my son died I did see a therapist briefly.  Not only didn’t he help, he actually made things worse.  The problem was he didn’t know SIDS, he didn’t know the special kind of grief a parent goes through when a baby dies, and he wasn’t a Christian.  So check out who is available in your area and also their background, not just their educational degrees.

The second part is to learn.  Connecting with an organization dealing with SIDS is a great way to learn more about what the research is finding out about SIDS.  Mayo Clinic states in 2018, “Although the cause is unknown, it appears that SIDS might be associated with defects in the portion of an infant’s brain that controls breathing and arousal from sleep.”  They also discuss what is currently understood as factors that can place a baby at a higher risk for SIDS to occur.   https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/sudden-infant-death-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20352800.  The National Institute of Health (NIH) discussed what is called the Triple Risk Model which is a way of recognizing that many factors are believed to happen all at one time, much like a “Perfect Storm” (my analogy, not theirs).  https://www.nichd.nih.gov/health/topics/sids/conditioninfo/causes.  

To really complicate matters there is a second term, Sudden Unexpected Infant Death, or SUID, used to describe the death of babies when examiners are unable to determine for sure if the baby could have suffocated or been a true SIDS death.  See the American SIDS Institute for further information at https://sids.org/what-is-sidssuid/

Why learn about the research, about what is known about both SIDS and SUID?  It’s long been said that knowledge is power.  Well, I’d argue that knowledge is also healing.  The more you learn, the more you understand.  The more you understand, the less you will be blaming yourself or others.  Which is all part of the healing process.

The third part is to encounter Jesus.  I believe this is the most important step of all because this is the step that can take you not just to the point of healing but all the way to thriving.  Jesus is the source of light in our darkest hours.  He is the source of life.  He is love, pure love.  Jesus is hope.  And the simple truth is we must have hope in order to turn our lives around from just surviving to thriving.  Oh, yes, you can hope for things in this world.  They may or may not come about to pass.  But only Jesus gives us the hope of eternal salvation.  

Every parent I’ve worked with over these many years since my baby died has expressed a longing to be with their child again.  It didn’t matter what their religious beliefs were.  It’s a very normal response.  But the way to actually achieve that is to follow Jesus, to give our lives over to Him, to do our best to live our lives like He did when He walked the Earth.  Once you have experienced the love of Jesus you will know in your heart that your baby is safe in His arms.  You won’t have nightmares about your baby being cold in the ground anymore because you will know that your baby is being cared for by the creator of all, the one who loves us more than we can comprehend.  You won’t spend hours sobbing in pain because you are convinced you are the worst parent on the planet, so bad your child died.  Oh, I’m not saying all the tears will automatically stop.  They won’t.  They can’t.  The loss is real.

Although decades have passed since Brian died I still shed tears from time to time.  I know I’ll see him again.  I know he’s happy and safe.  But I still feel the loss.  At first, it was the loss of the little but so very precious moments with my baby.  Then it was the loss of things like seeing him take his first steps, hearing his first words, seeing him off to school for the first time.  For years every time that I would see a child about the same age my own son would have been hurt me because it was a reminder of what I was missing.  I wish I could tell you that stops, but it really doesn’t.  Not completely, anyway.  

I no longer feel a dagger stabbing me when I meet a man the age my son would be had he lived, but the thought does cross my mind that my son might have been like this man.  I still have the questions of things like, “What would he look like now” and “What would he have chosen for a career” and “Would he be married by now”  and “What grandchildren am I missing out on.”  His birthday is still able to give me pause in my busy life.  I still feel an emptiness from the hole in my heart left there the day he died.  

But the hole is so much smaller now!  Knowing how much God loves me fills me to overflowing with love and joy.  Once my pain was all-encompassing.  It was all I could feel.  Now it’s only an occasional twinge.  Not because I love my son any less.  Oh, no, not at all!  But because I have felt the radiant, all-encompassing, light and love of God.  That’s why my life is now filled with joy and unending hope for the future!  

If you have never experienced the love of God yourself, and I mean really experienced His love, please ask Him to show Himself to you!  Sometimes He shows Himself in big, dramatic, ways.  Sometimes He shows himself in the little things, the many details in our lives.  Sometimes He shows Himself through people you meet in your life.  If you know someone who is filled with love and joy and peace, talk to them.  Find a church group that is more than just religion.  Find a church family that is so full of God’s love it can’t be contained.  It’s overflowing and you see it and feel it immediately.  If you walk into a church and feel it’s cold and judgmental you have found religion.  You have not found followers of Jesus. Move on until you find the real thing.  It’s important to find a church family that overflows in love because right now you really need that!  You need several people who can love on you and help support you emotionally and spiritually through this difficult time.

You really can survive this.  You really can go beyond just surviving.  You, too, can have a life where you are thriving!  For me, listening to Christian music has helped me tremendously.  One of the songs that speak well to families who have experienced tragedy is There Will Be A Day by Jeremy Camp.