The Chronic Pain Experience

Physical pain awakens me once again.  Once more, 3:00 am comes and I’m awakened by the sounds of my own cries of pain as I made the mistake of trying to reposition myself in the midst of restless sleep.  The sharp pain that results is jarring, shattering all thoughts of sleep.  It’s as if a dull sword is stabbing  my hips, back, and lower body.  

Ankles, wrists, fingers, toes, all ache with an intensity that is hard to describe.  Shoulders burn as if red hot cast iron frying pans are pressed against the backs of each shoulder.  Fingers and toes throb constantly as they, too, burn.  I am in pain and I am struggling.  My spirit cries out to the Lord, “Help me, Father!  Help me!”

So what causes such pain? The reasons for this kind of pain are varied.  For me, it’s a combination of reasons including severe osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia, spinal stenosis, and multiple surgeries, only some of which were successful.  But the truth is the cause is insignificant when you are living in chronic pain.  The bottom line is I hurt.  I hurt so bad and nothing doctors do or prescribe seems to help very much. And I am not alone.

Prevalence of Chronic Pain

I am one of an estimated 50 million people living in the United States who live with chronic pain, and one of 20 million people who live with what is called High-Impact Chronic Pain.  These statistics come from a September 2018 report from the CDC.  High-impact chronic pain is explained as pain severe enough that it frequently limits life or work activities.  This is the kind of pain I live with daily.  What about you?  Are you one who also suffers from pain?  If not, I assure you, someone you know is living this way. 

Exhaustion

This morning I struggle to even be able to stand.  Walking brings out more cries of pain.  And I am tired.  I’m so very, very,  tired. 

Living with pain is exhausting.  The body is constantly having to deal with trying to cope with pain, draining energy from the body.  Sleep, ah, sweet sleep, how I long for rest, to be able to awaken in the morning feeling refreshed and ready for a new day.   But It’s really hard to sleep when the body is experiencing severe pain.  The kicker is that I finally get to sleep only to be rudely awakened with sharp, torturous pain once again.  Do you understand the kind of pain I’m describing?

The Pain Scale Game

How well do you understand pain?  Is severe pain something you have experienced yourself?  How intense is the pain in your own life? All pain varies in intensity.  Are you familiar with the question  often asked in a doctor’s office or hospital, “On a 0-10 scale, with 0 being no pain and 10 the worst pain, where would you rate your pain today?”  Most people struggle with answering that question, as each person has a different understanding of what each number represents.  Unfortunately, the infamous 0-10 pain scale used by hospitals and doctors fails miserably to account for pain’s many nuances. 

The pain scale is accompanied by faces, with a 0 showing a happy, smiling face, and a 10 with the face frowning and with a tear.  Those who have experienced severe pain know that pain leading to a tear is only the beginning.  A scale of 0-100 would be much more accurate.  Because one tear is a far cry from screaming in agony. 

Consider how a splinter can cause a tear to come.  A splinter hurts, for certain.  So that’s a 10?  Oh, a ten is also described as the “worst possible pain.” If you have never experienced severe pain a splinter does feel like the worst possible pain.  Ask any young child what he thinks about the pain of a skinned knee.  However, pain and suffering go far, far, beyond what would surely be considered a very minor pain by anyone who understands true suffering.  Why does the pain scale matter, anyway?  Because medical practitioners use the pain scale to determine treatment. And getting treatment is not an easy thing.

Pain Management in 2019

One reason getting help for severe chronic pain is the numbers of people overdosing on opiods.  The numbers are staggering.  It is a crisis, for sure.  But the problem is not the patients living with severe, chronic pain.  Well over 90% of patients living with severe chronic pain never abuse their pain medications.  However, that’s not what is being portrayed in the media or by the government.  In response to the opioid crisis, the medical field has decided anyone experiencing pain for more than a couple of days no longer deserves any kind of pain treatment. But the public does not see any difference between those truly suffering and a drug addict.

It’s as if the patient is considered a “bad” patient, indeed a “bad” person, if they dare admit they are suffering beyond a couple of days and have the audacity to request help in controlling that pain.  So you not only have to live in severe pain you must live with being frowned on as a bad person because you obviously just “making up pain to get attention or sympathy” as if somehow getting sympathy lessens the pain.  It doesn’t!

So what is a person to do? One learns quickly that if someone asks how you are the answer must be less than truthful. Because if you do tell them how you are really feeling they will stop asking you, indeed they may simply disappear from your life.  A person who doesn’t know pain doesn’t want to know it’s even possible. I don’t blame them.  Who would willingly try to understand a life filled with constant pain?  Before my own battle with severe chronic pain, I certainly didn’t understand what others were going through.  But now I know. So is it a hopeless situation? Oh, no, not at all!

Life in Spite of Pain

In the midst of my chronic pain, which is often severe, I now live a life of joy, a life that is actually full and rewarding.  I hold down a job. I volunteer.  I am active in my community.  How is that possible? What do I do?  I do what years ago I never would have believed possible. 

I stop crying and start singing and praising God.  Because I know that if I’m suffering, I’m alive.  And if I’m still alive I still have breath, and that means I still have a purpose.  Somehow this, too, can be used for the Kingdom of God.  I may not understand suffering any more than Job did but I know that when I dry my tears and start worshipping my Savior my mood lifts and my pain lessens.  It’s as if a dark cloud that is suffocating me is suddenly lifted. 

It has been said that suffering brings you closer to God.  It’s true that when pain is at its worst all I can do is cry out to God and beg him for help.  And He answers.  He may not stop the pain like I want him to do.  But he does answer.  He comforts my soul if not my body. 

Crying Out to God

Last night I awoke and wrote the following. 

“It’s Thursday night, I’m exhausted and pain is once again severe.  Sleep comes to me a couple of hours at a time only.  I wake up crying in pain.  I am suffering.  God help me!

As I cry out to God I am led to Psalm 77.  I am not the first person to cry out to God during a time of suffering!  The writer of this Psalm understands my desperation at this moment.”

(For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.)

1. I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.

2. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.

3. I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.[b]

4. You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.

5. I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;

6.  I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

7. “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?

8. Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?

9.  Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

10. Then I thought, “To this, I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.

11. I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12.  I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

13. Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God?

As I read the words written so long ago I realize that I am not alone in my struggles with pain.  This is not a new problem.  God knows and He understands.  Even Job, who lost all of his children and earthly possession as well as having to deal with physical pain and ailments, never failed to recognize God is almighty and should never be blamed or cursed.  He is Almighty.  He is the one and only Creator of all that is, all that ever has been, and all yet to come.  He is worthy of praise in everything.

Praising God

Once again I start singing the song that has become “my” song.  It is “Catch The Wind “performed by Jonathan & Melissa Helser, which was written by Melissa Helser at a time when she, too, was suffering from severe pain.  The lyrics include the following:

I am strong and full of life, 

I am steadfast, no compromise,

 I lift my sails, to the sky, 

I’m gonna catch the wind, 

I’m gonna catch the wind, 

I am bold, no fear inside, 

Spread my wings, open my life, 

Like an eagle, whose home is the sky,… 

I’m confident I’ll see Your goodness now, 

I know You hear my heart,

I’m singing out…

Like standing on the edge, 

Of a mountainside, 

I can feel the wind stirring, 

Lifting me up high, 

I was born into freedom, 

I was made to fly…

And somehow, as I struggle to sing the words, my tears slow down, my cries of pain truly turn to worship.  My worship strengthens.  I know God is faithful.  I know He will not let me down!  I may struggle to even stand, let alone walk, on this cold dark winter morning, but I know I am meant to fly, to soar, to heights I can’t even begin to imagine. 

Hope

In the midst of my struggles, I am preparing to travel on a mission trip to Mexico.  I know I will make it to Mexico and to speak to the women living there who need to find hope. I know that God can use everything that the world views as bad experiences in my life for good.  Somehow all of these things will be used for good.!   And I do “catch the wind.”  My pain eases.  It may not be gone, but I can tolerate this.  I can do this, not on my own, but with God all things are possible, and yes, with God at my side, I can do even this!  Thank you, Jesus, for your mercy!

Now when the pain wakes me during the night I start to sing and dance in the spirit.  I know God is right here with me.  I know he is here, holding me, comforting me, and strengthening me.  I know he hears me.  I know he is a good, good, God.  And I will praise him in the storm! 

So in my mind, I leave this broken and pain-wracked body and I soar like an eagle soaring over the highest of mountaintops.  I sing out as I dance before the Lord.  God is almighty.  He is the Creator.  I don’t have to have an answer as to why I suffer.  I know he can heal me completely any time he desires.  But I also know he loves me and that I’m part of a much bigger picture.  God does not let me down, no matter how severe my pain is. 

Jesus Understands

Jesus knows pain.  He knows suffering.  As I learn to accept my pain as a part of my life that I must simply embrace, I think about Jesus suffering on the cross.  I think of the agony he experienced.  He knew physical pain, terrible physical pain.  But he also had all of the sins of the world heaped on him.  He was made fun of, jeered at, spit upon, beaten, and tortured.  And He could have stopped it.  That is incomprehensible to me. 

I must admit that if I could stop my pain I would.  Pain is like being wrapped in chains and thrown into an ocean of water that threatens to drown you.  Who wouldn’t stop such agony if possible?  Jesus could have stopped it and didn’t.  I think of that every time I’m awakened with cries of pain.  I am not like Jesus.  I beg God to remove the pain from my life.  I’m so sure I could do more for Him if the pain was taken from my life.  But is that really true?

Pain is humbling.  Pain teaches one compassion for others in an entirely new way with a depth that can not be achieved without one’s own suffering.  I will never like being in pain, but I do understand there are lessons to be learned from it.

Focus on Others

I’m a nurse and I work with patients in pain.  I get it now.  I understand.  I can’t fix it for them any more than I can fix it for myself. But when I see others in pain my heart breaks for them.  I know.  I understand.  And sometimes finding another person who actually understands the suffering means more than words can describe.  For pain is lonely.  It is isolating.  The emotional pain that comes with physical pain can be more devastating than the physical pain itself. I do everything in my power to minimize the effects of pain in their lives, to show them that having a life full of meaning and purpose is still possible, even with chronic pain.

I’ve learned that when my life is focused on helping others, and when I focus on how to decrease their pain, my own pain subsides into the background.  Focusing on someone else’s pain instead of your own is actually one of the most powerful things a person can do to decrease your own pain.  When I see others who actually suffer more than I do it makes me grateful for what I have.  It makes me thankful.  It makes praising God easier.

Be the Light

Christians are to be the light in a world of darkness.  Physical pain, severe, chronic pain, is living in darkness.  If the sunshine can get into the circle of darkness, the pain lessens.  It lessens a lot!

Praising God restores my feelings of peace.  Once peace has been restored, I am able to turn my attention back to my patients, to working on care plans, to try to find ways to help improve the quality of their lives.  I must ease their suffering.  I will be the light in their darkness!  And as I praise God and sing along with the song, “Catch the Wind” by Melissa Helser, my breathing becomes easier.  The sobbing has stopped.  My own tears have dried.  Now I can place the needs of others ahead of my own needs.  As I do so, I can feel the wind underneath me, lifting me higher and higher.  Soon I am soaring in the spirit, just as God has always intended for me.  

Rejoice!

Philippians 4: 4-7 gives us advice that may be difficult to imagine following yet it works, it really does work!

4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 

5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I choose to live life to the fullest.  I choose to rejoice in the Lord always, even in the midst of pain. 

What is Your Pain?

What about you?  Do you experience chronic pain?  Does someone near and dear to you suffer from pain?  Perhaps the pain in your own life isn’t physical but emotional.  Perhaps it’s the pain of broken promises, or grief over the death of someone precious to you.  Perhaps it’s the pain of betrayal.  I’ve experienced all of these in my life. 

I can tell you from a personal perspective as well as a professional perspective as a nurse, focusing on your pain will destroy you.  It will steal your very breath of life from you.  God has taught us how to respond to all pain, regardless of whether it is physical or emotional. 

We are to rejoice and praise our Creator!  That may sound illogical, but God is a God of miracles, and praising God in the midst of life’s darkest moments and horrific pain does bring healing.  It’s even possible to find joy in the midst of suffering.  Not the joy like you have at a party, but the joy of the Lord, something so much deeper nothing can steal it from you. 

My advice to all who are in pain, all who are suffering, from whatever the cause, is to do what the Bible tells us to do in Romans 12:12:

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Sing praises to the Lord, be patient and talk to God constantly.  Allow joy into your life! May God be with you, comfort you, and bring you peace.  Amen.